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Always reluctant: What to do if the partner is listless?


What to do if your partner's desire for sex subsides?
In a long partnership, it is not uncommon for one to want sex, but not the other. However, if such situations become permanent, this can permanently damage the relationship. In such cases, experts advise you to tackle the problem as early as possible.

In the beginning it can often not be enough
If couples find each other, they often cannot have enough sex at first. For many, it is almost not enough to sleep together just once a day. But the desire for physical love fades over the years. If this is only the case with one partner, this can lead to serious conflicts in the long run. In such cases, experts advise searching for the causes as early as possible and concentrating on the strengths of the partnership in relationship problems.

In order to make sex life more qualitative and better, it can help to spend more time together in everyday life. For example, scientists recently reported in the journal "Journal of Marriage and Family" about a study that household chores lead to more sex. In a message from the dpa news agency, experts have more tips for couples who have had less desire for sex.

Stress in the job can reduce appetite for sex
Christoph Joseph Ahlers, clinical sex psychologist in Berlin and member of the board of the German Society for Sex Medicine, Sex Therapy and Sexology, says: "The core problem is that the partners lose sight of each other in their everyday life and thus also out of their hands." He explains: "You no longer look at each other properly, you lose mutual respect and therefore the desire to sleep with each other."

Stress at work or with new parents who concentrate fully on the baby for the first few weeks can reduce the sexual appetite in one of the two. However, lack of sleep, diseases of the liver or thyroid gland, age-related hormonal changes or fear of pain during sex can sometimes make one partner react negatively to the other's advances.

Inquire as humorously as possible in quiet moments
Sufferers often tend to attribute their sexual problems to purely physical conditions and contact their general practitioner. "As a first step, this is also the right way to investigate or rule out the causes," explains Regina Hellwig, a gynecologist and psychotherapist who is a pro familia advisor to the Hamburg State Association. The prescribed therapies can sometimes help, but not always because the real problems of partnership remain unsolved. The problem quickly reappears. "A first step can then be to ask questions in a calm and friendly manner and as humorously as possible," says Kirsten von Sydow, who is a professor of clinical psychology and psychotherapy at the Berlin Psychological University (PHB).

However, the question of why should only be asked if the answer is manageable. "For example, one partner can experience a significant weight gain in the other as erotically distracting," says von Sydow.

Find solutions together
If you then look for solutions together, it may turn out that the tension in the job is a real love killer. In some cases, it helps those affected to think together about how tasks in the job can be handled differently. Sometimes, however, it is medications such as high blood pressure or the pill that dampen the desire. If this is the cause of persistent sexual problems, the doctor should be asked about possible alternatives to the respective preparations. If sexual intercourse is avoided because of a newborn in the bedroom, the solution may be to move the baby into the nursery.

Talk to each other about each other
But even if many couples talk - for example about the neighbors or the garden - it is important, according to Ahlers, to talk about each other. "The sexual desires and needs, but also fears and fears of the other and your own concerns are usually not discussed," said the psychologist. Out of fear, shame or insecurity, many people shy away from having conversations about their own sexuality. Most of them don't dare to share their sexual thoughts and fantasies with others. But Ahlers emphasizes: "Such intimate communication is a prerequisite for maintaining a sexual relationship." If it does not take place, sex may come to a standstill.

Couple therapy makes sense for some
However, some simply feel overwhelmed. Studies show that women are more adventurous and more confident when it comes to sex than one or two generations ago and demand that their wishes and expectations be fulfilled. As a result, some men can feel pressured, the climax is missing. Couple and sexual counseling can be helpful here, says Hellwig.

Sex psychologist Ahlers thinks nothing of cheering on love life by visiting the Swingers Club or trying it with constantly changing lingerie: "This is an attempt to compensate for what is missing on the outside." Rather, couples with a sexual problem should ask themselves what they want with and from each other sexually. "As long as the two partners can deal with their problem in a friendly and humorous way, there is no need for couples therapy," explains von Sydow. However, if a couple cannot cope with the problem on their own and find themselves repeatedly in escalating conflicts, such therapy can make sense. "Even if at least one is suffering from the situation and is no longer able to continue, couples therapy is advisable," von Sydow recommends. (ad)

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Video: When Your Partner Tries to Stop you Growing (January 2022).